With an uncomfortable number of Andrew Tate wannabes and concerning conspiracy theories gaining mainstream airtime this year, it wouldn’t be surprising if even one of your friends or family members was being drawn to some questionable ideas. Even though you may not agree on a lot these days, you might still want to maintain a relationship – social isolation pushes people further down the rabbit hole, so remaining in community with loved ones can actually help. But how do you navigate conversations at social events or holiday catch-ups without the whole thing ending in arguments, yelling and tears?
To help guide you through, we asked Anushka Phal, psychologist and founder of the national mental health service Umeed Psychology, about how to engage with friends and family who subscribe to fringe beliefs or harmful ideologies.
Whether your loved ones are already down the rabbit hole or peering in from the edge (“I’m just asking questions!”), Anushka says you generally have two options: silence or a conversation. Both are powerful, but in different ways – the choice depends on your appetite for conflict and the setting you’re in.
Option 1: Silence
Anushka says that one option is to practice the art of Japanese silence, to not only avoid conflict with that other person but to also avoid it for yourself. “You can just hear [their opinion] out, but don’t give a response. Most people in a controversial space want a reaction – but you don’t have to respond, that’s actually an option.”
But this doesn’t mean flat out ignoring them, which may be perceived as antagonistic. Anushka advises giving a response that acknowledges you’ve heard them, but makes it clear you will not be engaging in the topic. If you need to removing yourself from their space or strike up a conversation with someone else, do it.
You can say something like, ‘Okay, that’s interesting that you think that way’ and then you get up and you leave, I think I can send quite a strong message.”
I had a yarn to TND for this.
— Tom Tanuki (@tom_tanuki) December 15, 2022
I really wanted to discuss how popular education re: your own loved ones and conspiracy is the only reasonable discussion after these tragic events. NOT, imo, ceaselessly begging for more resources for fkn ASIO.
ASIO are horrifically overresourced. https://t.co/XFik6QkgP5
Option 2: Having a conversation
If you, like many of us, do not have the willpower to stay silent, you can always engage in constructive conversation. But Anushka warns that you’ll need to take precautions by doing some introspection beforehand to make sure it’s a safe conversation for yourself, the other person, and anyone else who may be around you.
What are some topics that already trigger you?
You probably already know the topics of conversation your friend or family member is likely to bring suspect ideas into. Anushka says you should really think about what within those topics may trigger you. “How does it make you feel? Are you going to feel anxious that you’re going to feel uncomfortable? Is it gonna make you feel angry? And then as a result of how you feel, how do you think you might react to those things? Will you end up having a fighting match with that person? Will you start crying, will you be upset? What is the reaction that you’re going to have?”
It might not even be the topic itself, but the way the conversation unfolds. “If you’ve come from a trauma background, or you have social anxiety and somebody starts yelling or speaking in a louder tone that can be a trigger.” You shouldn’t try to enter conversation on their ideas without being honest with yourself beforehand.
What is your contingency plan?
Anushka recommends setting up a contingency plan based on the triggers you’ve identified. Consider what your own self care routine already looks like. “Think about what will help release those feelings, so you’re not holding onto it. Do you go for a walk? Do you go into another room to quickly meditate? Do you schedule a boxing class for after [the event or meetup]?”
Prepare for the possibility that things won’t go as smoothly as you’d like – after all, the end result of what might be a tense or confronting conversation with someone you love is not wholly within your control.
“We can’t control what anyone else is saying. We can’t control what they think… While we can try and change dialogue by having the conversation, we can’t control what they will say to us. What we can control is our own reactions, how we feel about the situation and how much we want to let it ruin our day.”
What do you say?
When it comes to actually having that conversation, Anushka reminds us that it’s fine to disagree – in fact, it should be expected – but in this situation, it’s best to do so in a calm way. “You can say something like, ‘Look, it’s really interesting you think that way, but have you considered XYZ?’ or ‘I wonder about XYZ.'” Instead of direct pushback, it can be more effective to introduce opposition to their beliefs in an open-ended way.
She also encourage us to really make an effort to understand why your friend or family member thinks that way. Ask questions like “Why do you feel that way?” or “In your experience, where do you XYZ stems from?” If you take genuine interest they will be less likely to become defensive, keeping the conversation calm and constructive.
Boundaries
Despite the best intentions, things may very well still get too heated. Letting your friends and family know about your triggers and the personal boundaries you need to draw around them is not a bad or shameful thing – in fact, it’s helpful for everyone as boundaries exist to protect our relationships.
This might mean letting them know you can only continue the conversation at a lower volume, or removing yourself from the conversation entirely even if it had been calm until that point.
If you find the other person still not respecting your boundaries, Anushka has some solid advice: “If somebody can’t understand your boundaries, the bottom line is that they don’t have a problem with you. That person has a problem with boundaries.” Hard as it may be, try not to take it too personally.
Can you ever actually change someone’s mind?
This is the million-dollar question. It’s understandable if your motivation for starting the conversation is to bring your loved one ‘back’. “It’s not going to be one big discussion that will change someone’s mind,” Anushka warns. “It will be many small discussions with people that will eventually make an impact.”
You should also consider why it’s important to you that they change their beliefs. “Are you trying to change their mind, or just trying to get them to understand your point of view?” For example, there is a significant difference between those who believed the COVID-19 vaccine actually contained a tracking device and those who were scared about to taking what they understood to be a brand new drug.
After asking yourself these questions if the quest for changing their beliefs is still important, Anushka just wants us to remember the most important part of this process is to “protect yourself and your mental wellbeing.”
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