The idea that life always centres on one main relationship is ingrained in us from a young age. In childhood, your parents are your whole world; then we transition into relying heavily on our friends during our formative years; and eventually, we seek a lifelong partner to share the rest of our journey. At first glance, it seems like the natural course of life – almost 78% of Australians consider one of these relationships as the most important. But what if relying too heavily on one central relationship is making our lives more difficult and less fulfilling? Is it time to revisit how we build our lives, and who we build them around?
Relationships under pressure
Zoe Hazelwood, clinical psychologist and director of Communication, Attachment, and Relationship Experiences (CARE) Research Laboratory, explains the people we form strong attachments to will likely shift and grow over time as we move to different stages of life. “When we are younger we look to our caregivers to provide us with a sense of safety and security and to help us find our place in the world. But this looks different as we age; after puberty we tend seek nurturance and safety from peers who respond to our need for acceptance and connection. Then beyond that we seek connection and security from intimate partners, who may contribute to our sense of esteem, who also may contribute to our capacity to fulfil other needs such as becoming a parent and thus providing a nurturing role to others.”
It’s normal enough, but relying solely on one person or relationship at each life stage can be very isolating. Nick Tebbey from Relationships Australia says: “Those relationships can suffer quite a lot of pressure. They’re very susceptible to external pressures of what’s going on. A growing number of people are telling us that mental health is causing a real challenge for their relationships. A lot of these external things – like cost of living, the COVID pandemic – really did take a toll on people’s relationships.” While parents, friends, and spouses offer valuable support, leaning exclusively on one relationship archetype for each phase of life can lead to a sense of isolation, or even resentment from both parties and certainly limit our exposure to diverse perspectives and experiences.
This dynamic plays out most clearly with our parents. Young people rely solely on our parents for guidance and support during our formative years, but when they get something wrong or slip up (which they inevitably do) we resent them. It’s why fights with parents feel so emotionally isolating for young kids – who else could possibly support, understand and love you like mum and dad do? In adolescence and young adulthood, we veer the other way, with friendships become increasingly important as the central figures in life. But again relying solely on friends for emotional support can create limitations. While friends provide a sense of belonging and understanding, they don’t always possess the life experience or wisdom that parents, grandparents or other older individuals can offer.
Similarly, expecting our romantic partners to fulfill all our emotional needs can strain relationships and place undue pressure on them. Spouses are undoubtedly crucial in our lives, but depending solely on them for every aspect of our well-being can crush even the most loving relationship.
By relying on one person or relationship at a time, we risk isolating ourselves from broader support networks. Each relationship archetype brings unique perspectives and support, and putting all your emotional eggs into one basket is a risk. Limiting who you ‘do life’ with will quite literally make your life feel worse. “Our Neighbors Everyday Campaign has shown that when people identify with their community, they have the perception that when the time comes, they can rely on people for support,” Nick says. “And as a result of that, the increase in people’s mental and physical well-being is quite significant. It shows that people are more likely to be resilient and feel as if they can face whatever challenges come their way, as a result of having that sense of belonging.”
@ayandastood I LOVE YOU ‼️‼️‼️ #reimagination #romanticlove #communitylove ♬ Spooky, quiet, scary atmosphere piano songs – Skittlegirl Sound
Building a village
A more integrated way of living would see a circle of many different types of relationships connected not only to us, but to each other as well. By forging connections between our parents, friends, and romantic partners, we create a web of relationships that enrich and sustain us all.
It’s community. This approach fosters intergenerational wisdom, diverse viewpoints, and a sense of belonging beyond the traditional boundaries.
This integration of relationships is not a new concept. Certain Eastern cultures have long embraced the concept of intergenerational living and communal harmony. In India, the concept of “joint families” is deeply ingrained in the fabric of society. These families consist of multiple generations living together, sharing not just a physical space but also their lives and responsibilities, and it’s not uncommon to see cousins growing up as siblings. In China there are “siheyuan” or “courtyard houses” – intentionally designed physical spaces to promote interconnectedness and integrated relationships. The traditional dwellings feature a central courtyard surrounded by interconnected living spaces, accommodating multiple generations of a family.
Beyond familial ties, these cultures also have a rich history of communal living, where neighbors become like extended family members, sharing resources, celebrations, and even daily chores. They understand the value of interconnectedness and the strength that arises when communities come together.
There are also more contemporary examples emerging too – co-living spaces, apartment communities and modern communes, where individuals intentionally choose shared living arrangements, are popping up everywhere. These communities prioritize cooperation, resource sharing, and emotional support. Friends are choosing to move closer to each other to improve their overall wellbeing and happiness, building a community that includes spouses, children, parents and more that spreads far beyond the initial friend group itself.
Raynne Rasha is a member of a ‘mommune’ type community where she, her family and friends all integrate with each other, exemplifying the growing shift towards community living. “There’s no expectation – you’re doing it because you want to do it, because they want to do it. And that’s the safety in it.”
“We’re raised to look after yourself. Self is number one. Everything you get you earn by yourself. But when you have a community behind you, and you have support behind you, it’s way more rewarding and the pressure is off. Yeah, we want to succeed, but if you’re community minded, you don’t live for self gain.”
bell hooks saying “Self-love can’t flourish in isolation” is as much a call to action for individuals as it is for community members.
— thoughtful chaos. (@KamilaShakur) June 11, 2023
People should reach out to you, but you also have to give people a chance to show up for you at some point. You have to reach out, too.
Help! What if I only have two friends?
Research shows that most friendship circles shrank after the pandemic, so if the idea of building a community-centric lifestyle sounds overwhelming and exhausting, you’re not alone. “We only have so much energy to go around and if our resources are low, we may struggle to give all our relationships the time they need to remain strong and successful,” Zoe says.
Start small and find things that you enjoy – it usually leads to discovering a community ready to embrace you. Nick advises not focusing too hard on the end result. “You don’t necessarily have to create overnight these amazing networks all around you. It’s about taking small steps and doing things that you’re comfortable with. So whether that’s something as simple as just saying hello, and having a chat with your neighbor, or ringing up that friend who you haven’t seen for a while and having a good long chat over the phone or meeting up with them for a coffee. Little things can be the answer, because then they grow over time.”
Reevaluating relationship archetypes and embracing integrated support systems can transform the way we live. By nurturing a number of diverse connections and bringing those people together throughout our lives, we break free from the pressure we put on ourselves and the people around us.
“As a society we run the risk of becoming more and more secluded and separate. The more that we can do to shift that conversation, and talk about the benefits of having strong social networks and a variety of people in your life… it will actually help people see that it is worth that effort.”
Smart people read more:
What If Friendship, Not Marriage, Was At The Centre of Life?
5 Tips For Making New Pals & Strengthening Old Friendships This Summer
In China’s New Age Communes, Burned-Out Millennials Go Back to Nature
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