“Can you still be friends with someone you disagree with?” This is the question a friend of mine asked me when we were discussing my unease with the lack of response from friends to the situation Gaza. At first, I was offended. Am I close-minded? Are my expectations too high? But then I thought maybe they were right. Maybe I can’t be friends with someone who disagrees with me… and maybe that’s okay.
In the past, topics that were once warned against talking about – even with friends! – are no longer considered taboo to discuss. It’s a good thing, but the shift has also resulted in increasing disagreements among people. When I witness friends taking positions that differ from my own or even refusing to engage on certain topics, it’s hard not to question whether those friendships should continue. And once that questioning begins, it’s become difficult to maintain the level of friendship regardless.
To be clear I think friendship thrives on diversity. Embracing different perspectives helps us foster growth, understanding, and empathy, ultimately enriching our lives. In an ‘Intro to Politics’ class in my first year of uni, my professor encouraged us to become friends with people from different political backgrounds. He said only then could we truly understand the complexity of political issues and develop our own perspectives with greater depth and nuance. I took this to heart and have taken pride in having a friends with diverse perspectives on a number of different topics, including politics. But these days, I realise I never really considered who the advice was coming from.
Like most politics professors, he was a white cis man who had the privilege of growing up in a society where his political beliefs and existence were accepted and validated. As a result, he may not have fully grasped the challenges and emotional toll that can come with befriending individuals whose political views directly harm others.
As James Baldwin said, “We can disagree and still love each other unless your disagreement is rooted in my oppression and denial of my humanity and right to exist.” While the intention behind my professor’s advice was well-meaning, it is crucial to recognize the limitations of his perspective. For him, differences in opinions can stay within the realm of theory; for me and for many other marginalised groups these differences of opinions can lead to our reality being entirely altered.
It’s one thing when the concept of having friends with diverse perspectives means varying tastes in music, hobbies or having a friend whose job you could never do (and vice versa). But when it comes to issues of social justice, human rights, or systemic inequalities, the dynamics of disagreement become much more complex and emotionally charged. Can we overlook differences when those differences perpetuate injustice or perpetrate harm?
It’s not like you can plead ignorance for many things these days – we live in the information age after all. I struggle to understand friends who say “I’m not really into politics” or “I don’t really keep up with the news”. It could be my media industry bias talking, but choosing to remain uninformed in a world inundated with news highlights a certain level of privilege. It’s a luxury not afforded to everyone. Moreover, it begs the question: can we truly be friends with someone who refuses to acknowledge their privilege?
It’s tough when I see someone who only advocates for something if they’re directly impacted by it. I often struggle with not attaching certain decisions or actions to someone’s entire life values. I start worrying that they’re just being selfish or lacking empathy. I admit, that might not be entirely fair of me. Even I know that my own actions and beliefs don’t always represent who I am as a whole. But does intention matter when the outcome is still inherently oppressive? I think a person’s openness to evolve and grow matters a lot. It’s about whether they’re willing to listen, learn, and reconsider their stance. That’s what counts when it comes to understanding and maintaining friendships, even when we don’t see eye to eye.
So to answer the question, ‘Can you be friends with someone you disagree with?’ Yes, but there are conditions…
BOUNDARIES: Setting boundaries is essential in any healthy relationship, including friendships. When it comes to topics as significant as politics, climate change, or human rights, boundaries are imperative – there are lines that shouldn’t be crossed. Both parties must be willing to respect each other’s boundaries and sensitivities. This means being mindful of the potential harm that certain discussions or actions may cause, particularly to marginalised communities. Boundaries don’t make you close minded, they make you responsible for your own wellbeing and emotional health.
ACTIVE LISTENING: Approaching friendships with a genuine desire to understand and learn from one another, rather than simply trying to win an argument or prove a point, creates a foundation for growth and mutual respect. Listening to listen, rather than listening to respond, is the only way to foster meaningful friendships amidst disagreement. Through active listening we can develop a deeper understanding of the complexities surrounding different issues and how another human being could come to an opposing belief. Even if that belief ends the friendship, knowing how someone arrived at their ideas can go a long way to dismantling those beliefs out in the world.
LETTING GO: In navigating these conversations and friendships, it is important to constantly reassess and adapt our boundaries as needed. There may be friendships that become unsustainable due to the harm they perpetuate – either to you or others. It’s up to us to figure out our own comfort level and decide if the friendship aligns with our values. And at the end of the day it’s totally okay if we don’t end up being friends with everyone. Walk away and let it go.
Smart people read more:
‘Maybe I don’t have as many friends as I thought’: being Indigenous amid 85% no voters – Guardian Australia
Elikia Cardot Is A New Age Friendship Matchmaker… And She’s Inviting You To Dinner
Friday essay: on the ending of a friendship – The Conversation
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