Looking back, 2020 feels like the year that killed small talk. For one thing, we’ve collectively endured too many awkward “Hi, how are you?” “Good, how are you?” exchanges on Zoom. And for another, there have been so many other things to talk about – big, earth-shattering, existential topics. For all it’s chaos, 2020 gifted us year-long discussions about racism, science, politics and privilege… And, believe it or not, it’s actually bringing us all closer together.
In the year ahead, let’s keep that same energy by ditching small talk in favour of big talk. No more surface level chit chat about the weather! You deserve to have bigger conversations about everything from life, love , news and social issues to find the true common ground with the people in your life. We’ve partnered with Bumble to bring you the guide on how to have how to have bigger, better conversations – read up, and get talking!
Why should you start ‘talking big‘?
Remember that famous social study where scientists had people ask each other 36 questions to make them fall in love? The reason the experiment ‘worked’ is because the prompts for deeper conversation quickly created a sense of intimacy between strangers.
And the same principle applies to ‘big talk’ with people you know – taking the time to discuss what really matters strengthens intimacy in both platonic and romantic relationships. It’s the difference between coming away from a ‘deep and meaningful’ versus idle party chat; feeling like you really know someone, rather than learning a new piece of trivia about their life.
After having spent so much time physically isolated, reconnecting on a deeper level is exactly what we need.
According to Bumble’s ‘Intimacy in the Pandemic’ report, more than 30% of Australian singles have changed what they are looking for in a partner. They are overwhelmingly looking for deeper, more meaningful connections. A similar impact was seen in the aftermath of the 2003 SARS outbreak in Hong Kong – one study found people were more likely to share their feelings with friends and family than they were before the pandemic.
Engaging in bigger conversations is also an underrated form of activism. Having open, honest and vulnerable discussions about where you stand on social issues is often the only way to get past surface level differences and find common ground. Sharing your stance one-on-one can be a powerful way to change hearts and minds.
If we never spoke about topics that are too political, sensitive or personal, there would be no social progress!
When is the ‘right time’?
When it comes to new relationships, is there a ‘right’ time? Sex and relationships therapist Chantelle Otten believes you shouldn’t worry about having big conversations ‘too soon’ with a romantic interest. For the things that really matter, why hold off on finding your level of compatibility?
“If it’s really ingrained in you and your beliefs, why not just say it from the get-go? If you want to talk about it, go ahead and talk about it. Dating someone it doesn’t mean you have to marry them! Actually get to know that person and see if they’re right.”
While there are no rules for timing, Chantelle warns that having big conversations is better if you’re actually talking, not typing.
“It’s better to do when you can have an actual conversation, on a virtual date or in person. Over text… especially if we’re surrounded by people who disagree or who are not as progressive, we can assume the person we are talking to also feels that way.”
So, maybe don’t send “Which party did you vote for in the last election?” as your first message to a new Bumble match… Hold off until your first virtual or IRL date.
How do I shift from small talk to big talk?
- Lead with a story
The simplest way to transition from small talk to big talk is to tell a story or anecdote that speaks to bigger themes, and share how you felt about it first. It could be a news story, something you overheard at a cafe, or a post you saw on Instagram – anything, really. And once you’ve shared your point of view, ask for theirs.
“I saw the most incredible story on the news the other day… It made me realise that I really believe… What do you think?”
It shifts the conversation in three ways:
- Signals that it’s safe to discuss the topic
- Encourages honesty and vulnerability from others by demonstrating vulnerability first
- Gives the other person something specific to respond to, rather than abstract concepts
When it comes to intimacy and trust in any personal relationship, you have to give before you can receive. Make the first move and show intimacy in order to receive it.
- Ask how and why
Follow-up questions are essential. Asking someone why they hold a certain opinion on even the most uncontroversial topic can reveal so much about their personality and worldview.
It might take more than one “why” or “how come” question before you’re in deep conversation – keep asking. Even if their stance is one you disagree with, most of us are driven by the same underlying motivations. Ask why enough times (some suggest we can solve all problems by asking five times) and you’ll probably arrive at something you can both agree on.
Just remember there is a fine line between showing genuine curiosity and sounding like a four-year-old!
- Voice is important
Don’t try to have big conversations over text. Big talk requires the context that we bring with our tone of voice, body language and facial expressions… Messaging leaves too much to open for interpretation.
Keep these conversations for in-person meet ups, virtual dates or phone calls.
- Stay open…
Here’s a bad habit you need to kick: Asking someone what they think, but anticipating the ‘right’ answer you want to hear. It’s not active listening, and it’s not going to bring you closer.
Stay open and let people fully explain what they think and why. You want to look for broad common ground rather than 100% matching beliefs – it’s not an exam! Learning about different perspectives is the goal, and if you only listen for the ‘right’ labels and phrases, you might miss a great connection with someone who still shares your core beliefs.
- …But know your boundaries
Having said that, don’t be afraid to challenge opinions that cross a line. If your date shares something you think is harmful, explain why you disagree. If you’re in a group situation and someone responds in a gross way, speak up and question them on it.
Big talk is not an excuse to spread toxic, misinformed or prejudiced ideas – we want to bring people closer, not drive them apart.
At the end of the day, you have full control of the kind of people you have in your life. Know your boundaries, call it out, and know when to walk away. That goes for friends, family, and dates. As Chantelle says: “Life’s too short! We have Bumble where you can go and find someone who actually aligns with your beliefs.”
Related Posts
Big talk conversation starters to try IRL
Want to pivot to bigger conversations but not sure where to start? These are the questions we’ll be discussing at BBQs, around the dinner table, on Zoom or at the beach this summer. Try one on your next date, dinner or social hang – they’re surprisingly revealing.
- Do you think partners need to have the same political beliefs?
- What kind of news stories make you the most emotional?
- What is something you’ve completely changed your mind about recently?
- If you could get rid of one personality trait and gain a new one, what would they be?
- What is something you’ve learned in the past year that has shocked you?
Bumble is helping you make the first move in 2021 – download the app and start having better conversations rn!